It Comes in Waves

This time, it was a tidal wave. I was walking back to my desk last night after putting a load of laundry into the washer, passed by the mirror on the outside of my closet when all of a sudden, one stray thought caused one overpowering emotion to surface. The thought started simple, “I miss pop. I wish he were still here. I wish I could have spent time with him in his retirement.” It’s that last one which started the tear factory.

He didn’t get to enjoy any of his retirement, and I didn’t get to enjoy any of it with him. We would have had so much fun.

I never got to know my dad when he wasn’t working. Even on weekends he would have to answer phone calls and pages from work (he was a pediatrician who also did rounds at the local hospital). I remember so many dinners where he would get a call and have to leave. He loved what he did, and I love that he loved it. But I’m jealous. Jealous of everyone who knew him before he was working 24/7, back when he was a student, a camper, before the letters DR were placed in front of his name. I know he was always the same person he’d always been, he never changed. He just worked all the time now. I couldn’t wait for him to retire because that meant I’d get to spend more time with him. I never really got the chance. Not that we didn’t have fun before, we absolutely did.

There was this one vacation to the desert (his second favorite place in the world), just him and me, that will forever be one of my favorite memories. Every year my dad and his best friend would go to Joshua Tree for an art tour. This particular year best bud couldn’t make it, I volunteered to take his place. We had such a blast. There was so much food. A new bakery had recently opened up (something that doesn’t happen often there), I think we went three times on the first day we arrived. Pop was a true foodie, and I like trying new desserts. He was the best travel buddy (also, we both like to take afternoon naps). I was looking forward to more trips like that.

All of that hit me at once. It was brutal. I cried when I thought about it. I cried typing this. That’s how big the wave was. I’m allowed to be that sad. It’s normal to be that sad. It’s ok for me to be that sad. I’m allowed to feel any and every emotion that I do. None of them are wrong.

I’m allowed to feel any emotion, at anytime, for any reason. Just like you are able to feel any emotion, at anytime, for any reason. Life's too short. Don’t hold anything back.